地狱笑话 1、2、3、4 合集

arrarpetahack

（1）

当我看见树上刻着的情侣名字时，我不会觉得这样很可爱或者浪漫什么的。我只会觉得很诡异，到底有多少人在约会时身上还带着刀？
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

我和老公做出了一个艰难的决定：我们不打算要孩子了。有想要孩子的，请留下你的联系方式，我们明天就能把孩子送上门。
My husband and I have come to a difficult decision: we don't want children. If anybody does, please leave your contact information, and we'll drop them off tomorrow.

你们知道有一句谚语叫“一个人的垃圾是另一个人的宝贝”吗？我也不知道为什么，但是被领养的人不喜欢这句话。
Do you know the phrase “One man's trash is another man’s treasure”? I don't know why, but adopted people don't like it.

我喜欢拿孤儿开玩笑。他们能怎么办？告诉他们的父母吗？
I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

牧师问电椅上的死刑犯说：“你还有什么最后的请求吗？”“有的，”死刑犯说，“可以请您握着我的手吗？”
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

我有一具完美的胴体，但它在我家的冰柜里。
I’ve got the perfect body, but it’s at home in my freezer.

女儿问我星星(明星)是怎么死的。“通常是吸毒过量，”我跟她说。
My daughter asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.

一个男人从昏迷中醒来。他的妻子换下身上的黑色衣服，怒道：“真就是什么都指不上你，对不对！”
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

我的Frank叔叔去世的时候，想要把自己的骨灰放在最爱的啤酒杯里再埋进地下。他的遗愿是成为“弗兰肯斯坦”。
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

我希望去世的时候能像祖父那样，在睡梦中安然离世。而不像他车里的乘客那样尖叫不止。
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

我恨双标。烧一具尸体，在火葬场烧就是“满怀敬意的朋友。”在家里烧就成了“破坏证据”。
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

我从家里的花园挖出来了一个满是金币的箱子。我想立马跑回家，把这事儿告诉妻子。然后我想起来为什么要在花园里挖坑了。
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

我有一个关于涓流经济的笑话，但是99%的人永远都听不懂(得不到)。
I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

Z世代应该改名叫隔离代。
Gen Z should change their name to quaranteens.

医生：“很快你就能归于平静了。”
男子：“我是要死了吗?”
医生：“不是，但你老婆快了。”
Doctor: “You'll be at peace soon”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor:"No, your wife is"

性别就像双子塔。原来只有两个，但现在成了敏感话题。
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject.

“妈，我书包怎么这么沉？”“真主至高伟大，儿子，安拉胡阿克巴。”
“Mom, why is my backpack so heavy? ”“Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.”

（2）

玩儿跳伞其实不用带降落伞。但是想再玩儿一次的话就需要了。
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

一个男人领着一个小男孩走进森林。小男孩抬头对他说：“先生，这里越来越黑了，我好怕。”男人回答说：“那你想过我的感受吗？我还得一个人走回去。”
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

最近，一项新的重大研究发现，人类吃香蕉比猴子还要多。雀食。我已经记不起来自己上次吃猴子是什么时候了。
Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

随着老去，我想起了这一路来失去的人们。或许当导游不是个正确的选择。
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

我今天做了新冠检测，结果显示50。这是啥意思？还有，我的智商检测结果也出来了，是阳性。
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.

老婆和我在餐厅吃饭，服务员开始挑逗我。我老婆就说：“这姑娘肯定得新冠了。”我问：“为什么呢？”老婆说：“因为她一点品味(味觉)都没有。”
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

今天真是糟糕的一天。我的前任被公交车撞了。而我丢掉了公交车司机的工作！
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

昨天我把丈母娘给送走了。当狙击手真特么的爽！
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.

孤儿自拍叫什么？全家福。
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.

我很震惊(被电到了)，这吐司机竟然不防水。
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

我有一条会跳霹雳舞的鱼！但只能跳20秒，而且就能跳一回。
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

我和女朋友分手了，于是我就偷走了她的轮椅，猜猜谁爬着回来找我了？
I broke up with my girlfriend so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back.

妈妈快要不行了，而我们却记不清她的血型。在弥留之际，她不停的叮嘱我们“要乐观(B型Rh阳性)”，但她都不在了，我们又怎么可能做得到。
My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it's hard without her.

为什么孤儿的日历上一年只有363天？他们没有父亲节和母亲节。
Why are there only 363 days in an orphans calendar？ They don’t have fathers or Mother’s Day.

俩黑人在街上走，然后看到一个牌子写着，想要变白吗？只要75块钱。
黑人1：“你觉得这玩意儿管用吗？”
黑人2：“只有试试才知道。”
黑人1：“但我只有50块。”
黑人2：“我有100块，我先去试试管用不，然后把剩下来的钱给你用。”
黑人1：“行啊，就这么整。”
黑人2走了进去，15分钟后走了出来，身上穿着一套崭新的西服，手里提着一个公文包，皮肤白的吓人。
黑人1：“卧槽，还真特么管用啊！快把剩下的25块钱给我。”
黑人2：“去你码的黑鬼，找份工作去吧。”

Two blacks are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75.
Black1: "Do you think it will work?
Black2: "Only one way to find out."
Black1: "I only have $50."
Black2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change."
Black1: "Let's do it then."
Black2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.
Black1: "Holy shit, it actually worked! Let me get that $25."
Black2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."

我问威尔士朋友有过多少床伴。他就开始跟我数，但很快就睡着了。
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

《每日邮报》在网上说：“自慰有助于预防感冒”。希望如此，我可一张纸巾都不剩了。
Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold." Hope so, I've got no tissues left

在图书馆，一个黑人兄弟问我，彩色(有色)打印机在哪里。
我说：“哥们儿，现在已经是2022年了，随便你想用什么打印机都没问题的。”
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2022, you can use any printer you want."

一张普通的沙发秒变沙发床只需要简单的一步：忘了你老婆的生日是哪天。
Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

一名牧师犯了心脏病，被紧急送到了医院。他醒来后发现自己正躺在轮床上，两名护士脚步匆忙的推着他在医院中穿梭。
“我这是在天堂吗？”迷糊中的牧师问道。
“不是，”一名护士回答说，“我们只是从儿科病房抄个近道。”
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

（3）

我带祖母去了一家鱼疗馆，这里的小鱼会啄食掉你身上的死皮，而且收费只要45刀。这可比把她葬在墓地里便宜多了。
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

一个胖乎乎的女人问：“魔镜魔镜告诉我，谁是这世界上最美丽的女人？”魔镜回答说：“请往旁边稍一稍，你挡的我屁都看不见了。”
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.”

我找到了份图书馆管理员的工作，但只上了半个小时就被开除了。原来关于女权的书籍不该放在科幻/魔幻区啊。
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

我女朋友想要一个童话般的婚姻。没问题。我给了她一块面包，然后把她留在了森林里。
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

爷爷：你不能在饭桌的5米范围内玩手机。
我：而你不能在小学的30米范围内出现。
Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table. Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school.

刷一面墙需要几个孩子？这要看你能扔多大劲儿了。
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you can throw.

观察员：我在想，掠过他脑海的最后一样东西会是什么呢？
狙击手：可能是那颗子弹吧。
Spotter: I wonder what was the last thing that went through his mind.
Sniper：Probably that bullet.

-笃笃笃
-谁啊？
-我啊，911。
-啥911？
-你还说你永远都不会遗忘……
Knock Knock. Who’s there? 9/11, 9/11 who? You said you would never forget…

我拨通了伊拉克的自杀热线……接线员很兴奋，问我会不会开卡车。
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq…They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

“妈，孩子们都笑话我，说我的牙太长了。”“快闭嘴，你又把地板给刮花了！”
“Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!” – “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”

有一次我和女朋友去徒步，突然之间有一头巨大的棕熊发疯了似的朝我们冲过来。我们肯定是离小熊仔太近了。好在我身上带了一把9毫米的手枪。只是朝着女朋友的膝盖来了一枪，我就可以从容的走开了。
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

-哇偶，亲爱的，我从没想过咱儿子能走这么远！
-我也是啊，这投石机是真给劲儿。快去把咱姑娘也叫过来！
-Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
-Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

老婆今天打电话说洗碗机漏了……于是我买了卫生巾带回了家。
My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking…I came home with tampons.

为了教孩子什么是民主国家，我让他们投票晚餐吃什么。他们投给了披萨，但我做了塔可饼，因为我们住的地方不是摇摆州。
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.

泰坦尼克号：我点名全部乘客参加冰桶挑战。
Titanic: And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”

一个男人走进了图书馆，要找一本如何自杀的书。图书管理员说：“滚边去！你该不还回来了。”
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:“F*ck off! You won’t bring it back.”

你们想怎么骂恋童癖都无所谓。但他们起码会在学校附近放慢车速。
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.

香蕉对跳蛋说：“你抖个屁啊？她要吃的是我！”。
The banana say to the vibrator,"Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!" .

曾经有位传教士在非洲一个小部落里传教。整个部落都爱戴他，每一天都会有更多的人改信他的宗教。

但有一天，部落中的一名妇女产下了一个皮肤白皙的孩子。酋长立马就派人去找来传教士，要求他说明为什么会打破自己亲授的戒律。

传教士这一生都是个虔诚的基督徒，就问自己能否看看那个孩子。只是看了一眼孩子，他就明白了，这孩子得了白化病。

于是传教士就试着跟酋长解释，说：“酋长，这个孩子是得了一种皮肤会白化的疾病。跟您举个例子，您养的这群羊，所有的羊都是白色的，但却有一只是黑色的。”

酋长打断了他，说：“这样吧，你要是不跟别人说羊的事儿，我也不再提这孩子的事儿了。”

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him, and every day more were converted.

But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.

The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby, it became clear that this baby was an albino.

The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief, saying:

“Chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black.”

The chief cuts him off, saying:

“Ok, I won’t tell about the baby if you don’t tell about the sheep.”

（4）

在我的柠檬水摊子，第一杯柠檬水是免费的，第二杯收费5美元。续杯里面有解药。
At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

90岁时的滚床单就像是用根儿绳子打台球。
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

-洋葱和孩子有什么不同点？
-剥洋葱的时候会流泪。
-What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?
-I cry peeling Onions!

爆炸发生后露西去哪儿了？遍地都是。
Where did Lucy go after the bombing?
Everywhere.

在死后，尸体中唯一温热的器官是哪个？我的小和尚。
After death, what is the only organ in the body which remains warm? My penis.

一名黑人男性身中15枪，警方称这是他们见过最惨的自杀案。
A black man was shot 15 times. Police said it was the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.

耶稣和耶稣画像有什么区别？画像只需要一颗钉子就能挂住。
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

该怎么称呼一位耳聋的妇科医生？唇语专家。
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.

有天一人问我：“春袋怎么拼？”我说：“你该昨儿晚上问我，当时就在我嘴边儿。”
Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”

如果人是被烧死的，那火化时有折扣吗？
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

爷爷说我太依赖科技了。我说他是个伪君子，然后拔了他维生装置的电源。
My grandfather says I am too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

我的老板在一个犹太客户面前放了个屁，说：“一点点气儿要不了人命的。”
My boss farted in front of a Jewish client, "A little gas never killed anybody."

怎么称呼一位比她兄弟们跑的更快的白人女孩？红脖儿老姑娘。
What do you call a White girl that can run faster than her brothers? The redneck spinster.

我给一帮坐在长凳上的白人整了个新定义——NBA。
I got a new definition for many White guys seated on a bench, NBA.